Like me, she was in a long-time relationship with someone whom she discovered suffered from addiction. She reflected on our similarities: both strong women, who had – ironically – ended up with manipulative men. But it’s not that ironic. It’s logical. This is a challenging time in which to be a man. Their place is not at all what it used to be. Their levels of authority aren’t, either. As a result, there are a lot of confused men out there who don’t understand either their personal purpose, or their place in the world. So they deal with it my exerting their authority with aggression (in the form of physical abuse or mental abuse, a mild form of which is manipulation); or they try to zone out from the problem (through addiction of some kind or another). So the odds were high that a bunch of us would end up in a relationship with a confused and hurting man!

They are what they are. Their journey is for them to navigate and all we can do is to put the focus back on ourselves. So what is our journey, then, and why did we end up with addicts?

My friend referenced several areas in my book where I talk about how life hands you lessons. At first the lessons are quite gentle; but as we refuse to acknowledge or learn from them, the lessons get tougher. And like so many of us, she’s discovering that the lesson has not been isolated to her marriage. She’s been experiencing some real trials at work, as well. But that’s how it happens. When we have a life lesson, the opportunity to learn can come from anywhere, or everywhere.

Amidst this mayhem, she was trying to figure out what she was supposed to do. Was she to take action, or let go – let God? “I just keep praying for a more definitive message” she said. But I had to laugh – with love, I promise you. I found it funny because she’s such a wonderful person, and so earnest, yet she’s praying for the wrong thing.

It’s said that when the first explorer’s ship approached North American shores, First Nations didn’t see the enormous wooden boats on the water because there was nothing in their experience that would enable them to understand what they were seeing. I have no doubt that the universe if pretty clear with our lessons. The problem is, we’re not always prepared to hear or to see the truth in those messages. When we don’t see things, it’s generally because we’ve put up filters of resistance – sometimes for very good reasons. Some of the very traits I work hardest at getting rid of actually served me very well in my youth. But now, those behaviour, belief systems and filters keep me from healing. So perhaps our prayers need to shift slightly, to ask for the courage to see clearly. There’s a reason that each support meeting (for alcoholics but also for supporters of alcoholics) begins and ends with the first few lines of the serenity prayer:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
We are getting loving messages for growth and healing all of the time. We just need the courage and willingness to hear them, and then to act.

I love working in my garden and I really enjoy looking at it.  I’ve invested years and a lot of money into my garden, so you think it would always be a fairly high priority for me.  But you wouldn’t know that to look at it today.  Frankly, it appears a bit messy and overgrown.  Last week when I cut back some branches from a bush that seemed about to take over my front yard, I found two other plants beneath it desperate for light.  In other areas, I could see weeds threatening to choke out the plants that I actually want to grow there.  So why haven’t I done a better job of taking care of my garden this summer?   How could something I treasured be allowed to become such a mess?

Actually, my garden is messy by design.   It’s primarily filled with perennials of various heights and bloom times that ensure depth and color throughout the seasons.  It was also planted in English country garden fashion, so that I can be as light or tough on grooming as I have time to be, depending on what else is going on in my life.  And honestly, my garden has not been a priority this summer, so I’ve allowed it to grow a bit wild. 

Those of us who have survived alcoholic households tend to be micromanagers so preplanning a garden to allow for flexibility of maintenance is not that far off from our usual behavior. Still, I was heartened to learn recently that of the many skills and characteristics my experiences have burdened me with, this capability to plan for reprioritization is probably a good one for my sanity and healthful future.  

The July/August 2010 edition of the Harvard Business Review carries an article that summarizes comments made to the graduating class of the Harvard Business School this spring.   The students were allowed to pick their speaker and chose Professor Clayton Christensen, an expert in management theory.  But they didn’t ask the professor to speak to them about how to manage business in a recessionary economy; rather, they ask him for life advice.  You see, on the last day of class each semester, Professor Christensen puts aside business concepts to ask his students three important life questions:

1. How can they be sure they are happy in their careers?
2. How can they ensure that their relationships with their spouse and family become an enduring source of happiness?  and
3. How can they stay out of jail?

He uses those three questions in particular as he’s seen far too many business and academic colleagues falter on two or more of them.  But the answer to all of these questions, he explains, can easily be found in the establishment of personal value systems.  Then the trick is to adhere to those values WITHOUT EXCEPTION.  This means that every decision you make – big and small – must be run through the filter of these value systems first, and must always support them.  This enables one to develop a send of direction, of life’s purpose.  And having a purpose in life constantly reinforces itself.  If you adopt value systems that will ensure you are always happy in your career, your relationships, and that you stay out of jail, you will have a much happier life, encouraging you to continue with those good, healthy behaviors.  This, Professor Christensen declares, is a winning management strategy for life.

Building a garden seems like a small decision.  But when I started, I had a younger family and a full time job.  I love gardening, but I knew that I wouldn’t always have the time to put into it and I was determined that I would always put my family and my personal health before what I consider to be extra-curricular activities.  My priorities this summer, for various reasons, have been around the people in my life.   I know that as I get more time to garden in the fall, I will get to it.  And due to my initial planting strategy, I know the garden will survive until then.   In the meantime, I’m focusing on other areas of my life that I want to help blossom.

Incidentally, the article in Harvard Business Review is entitled “How Will You Measure Your Life?”   Interesting question, isn’t it?

Such a relationship could be with a best friend, a sibling, or a parent.  We treasure these because we intuitively understand the value such relationships hold.  On occasion, my sons have opened up to me with information on their thoughts and feelings that while very appropriate information, is something that I know is not normally done by teenage boys with their parents.  And each time I’ve felt honoured and incredibly grateful that our relationship is one in which such intimacy can occur.

While not all relationships in our lives are necessarily intimate, the ones that surely should be are with our partners.  Everyone expects that such relationships among consenting adults will include sex; but honestly, I think we’d also suggest that the existance of the other type of intimacy would be expected in such relationships as well.  And while relationships go through ebbs and flows of emotions, regardless of where a relationship is on this continuum it is usually pretty easy to see when couples have the other kind of intimacy.  They tend to move together as if in a dance, whether they are walking down a hallway or working together in a kitchen.  They finish each others’ sentences or at least laugh or react to the others’ words a moment before anyone else, as they already know what the speaker is intending.  They may even be going through a period where they hate each other, but you can tell that at the same time, they love each other.

Of all of the things that were taken from me by my alcoholic, surely one of the worst was my freedom to enjoy intimacy.  Alcoholics mange their lives and the lives of those around them by creating chaos.  The partner of an alcoholic is constantly walking on eggshells, and living with complete inconsistency  We struggle for control over our environment as best we can, and whenever possible, of the alcoholic as well.  But they will not be controlled, and will often find subtle and not so subtle ways to in fact control us.  My alcoholic’s control method of choice was to withhold intimacy.  Each week or weekend he would hold out a carrot in the form of the suggestion of a normal event such as a walk together, or perhaps a movie.  But sure enough, before the event could take place he would find some reason to renege on the promise due to one of my actions.  I would ask if he had been drinking, so no more walk together.  I would hint that he might be hiding information, so no more movie.  In this way, he began to train me to keep my mouth shut about his actions or face a relationship with very limited intimacy.  To make matters worse, he would form inappropriate intimate relationships with people around us, so I would – for example – learn of a big win on his job from someone on the periphery of our lives instead of from him.

After a while, I just gave up on the idea of there being any intimacy in my relationship.  This learning eventually carried over into the rest of my life. So I didn’t tell anyone – not my sister and not my closest friends – about my downward spiralling marriage and my alcoholic husband.  After a few years, I was trained to live without intimacy.  By the time I was divorced and dating again, I didn’t really expect that kind of intimacy from my boyfriends and oddly enough, they never seemed able to deliver it anyway.  But in time, I realized that if I ever wanted to explore a truly loving relationship again, I would have to learn how to trust enough to share in that way.

Rebuilding our trust in intimacy is a difficult task.  For those in a program, having a sponsor can be an important first step in that process.  A sponsor is a person to whom we can tell our deepest darkest secrets.  And we know that in the telling, we will remain safe, because they’ve been there, too.  They understand our fear and they’ve known our pain.  I found I could be completely vulnerable and thus, truthful with my sponsor.  And in time, I came to appreciate that she really had my best interests at heart and was only ever being truthful and sincere with me as well.  Next, I tried to be honest and forthright with my sons.  This was a long process with a few miss-steps along the way, but in time I have found the results to be well worth it. And eventually, I found myself in a loving relationship with a man where our foundation has been the absolute honesty of intimacy.

Trust occurs over time, and generally happens in baby steps.

If I had a penny for every time someone told me to be patient: for my alcoholic to get better, for my kids to stabilize, for my heart to stop beating wildly in fear, for my life to get back to normal, for my soul to feel joy, I would be a financially wealthy woman right now.  At the time, while those around me meant to be supportive with their words, I’m afraid I didn’t always take their advice in quite that light.  When you are in pain, it is difficult to feel gratitude to someone for wishing you patience.  You don’t want endurance in such instances; you want deliverance.

Impatience runs in my family.  My mother had five children and was desperate for grandchildren.  She at first encouraged and then started to insist we fall in love and get married so that a brood would be forthcoming.  She had even picked out a husband for me: a dear friend of mine throughout high school and most of university; someone she loved and thought would be perfect for me.  But we were a family of late marry-ers – starting with my parents who married at 30 and 39 – and we had minds of our own.  In time, she decided she was even willing for us to bypass the marriage component and just move on to having kids.  We did, eventually, get married.  While the middle child, I was the first to have a baby and four additional grandchildren then followed from my siblings within seven months.  My mother didn’t know what hit her!  We reminded her to be careful what she wished for.

Some things will not be rushed.  They will take the time that they need to take.  While it can be difficult to be reminded of this fact by those who care about us, it doesn’t make it less true.  My Shaman, who has given me books worth of great advice over the years, has always suggested that instead of feeling anger or fear, that I should try to just feel curious.  Why do I (or does someone else) need time? What is the lesson I must learn in order to move on to the next part of my life? What am I doing to block my progress?  What should I be focussed on instead of whatever I am obsessing over?  My sponsor has frequently told me that when I ask God for something and it doesn’t happen, it’s not that my prayers haven’t been heard.  It might just be that the answer is “no, not right now”.

I have learned that if I take the time, when feeling those feelings of frustration of fear, to open my soul to the lesson, and when I give myself the space to gently learn the answer, I progress.  If you have ever tried to force something beyond its natural tendency – be it friendship, love, business success, anything – you may achieve results of a sort, but they are seldom genuine and lasting, and they are usually less than satisfying.

Time is not a delay tactic.  It is a learning aide.  Time enables me to move through my own maturity and evolution at the pace that ideally suits me.  It also allows the people and events in my life to prepare for when they might intersect with me. And despite how impatient I might have felt for the improvement, when I look backwards I have to admit that I needed more time in order to get where I needed to go first.  It really, ultimately, is quite a loving universe.

For example, the man now in my life is my dear friend from so many years back. So the richness of everything we’ve each learned since we last spent time together has joined forces with the strong feelings of friendship that served as the foundation for our relationship.  The result is pretty wonderful, but couldn’t have happened any soon.  So I’m just grateful that he’s in my life now.  And I know that wherever she is, my mother is smiling.

Don Miguel Ruiz advises in his famous book, “The Four Agreements”, that words are powerful things.  Supporters of alcoholics are very familiar with this concept.  We know how easily our emotions can be manipulated in order to control us.  So to avoid this, we try to control everything and everyone around us first.  It seems the safer path; like being able to see the punch coming so we can possibly duck.  But in my mind, this is a half-life.  It is not living so much as surviving.  What if  instead of attempting to avoid the negative influences around us  we could influence our environment in a positive way, requesting that the Universe take care of us and trusting, knowing, that this would occur?

I believe this is possible, and Japanese researcher Masaru Emoto has found a thought-provoking and beautiful way to demonstrate that possibility.  Mr. Emoto exposes water molecules to various words or phrases – sometimes taping them onto the side of the water vessel, and then freezes the molecules before observing and photographing them under a special microscope.   The results can be found on the Internet, or in his book “The Message from Water”.   His work shows that water is affected by the words, regardless of what language is used.  For example, the shape of the molecules representing “love” or “hate” are profoundly different.   This process even works with the names of people.  If you find the photographed images on the Internet, look at the difference between the frozen water molecules resulting from the words “Mother Teresa” and “Adolph Hitler”. 

Emoto believes that it is not the words, but rather the energy and intention behind the words that shapes them.   To prove this, he photographed frozen water crystals from the polluted Fujiwara dam before and after a prayer was offered over the water. The difference in the two molecule samples is truly extraordinary.

But really, can we doubt that we have the power, through intention or actions, of changing things?  Consider the difference a hug or even a smile can make.  Life is mass, but it is also energy.  That energy is positive or negative.  When you fully appreciate the difference you can make in life – whether it be with a river or a child – one can’t help having reverence for this incredible gift we’ve been given.   Our lives are capable of being like the prayer over the water.  We can consciously decided that we are going to live in positive energy, seeking to neutralize or even override and positively influence everything around us.  We cannot stop our alcoholic from drinking; but I believe that when we make the choice to live our lives from a positive, prayer-like stance, we have the power to shape the energy of the environment around us.  It is also my belief that the Universe supports this behavior.  The program I belong to says that you can have serenity and even joy in your life whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.  I have seen, time and again, that this can be true.  It all starts with your own intent.

Several posts ago I referenced the experiment of a social psychologist who came to the conclusion that we can be heavily influenced by either negative or positive environments.  In Bill Bishop’s book, “The Big Sort”, he explains that American communities are being built through the attraction of like-minded people (value systems, lifestyles and demographic characteristics) who move into the same neighborhoods.  The book “The Power of Pull“attempts in part to explain this phenomenon.  Authors Hagel, Brown and Davison state:

“In a constantly changing world of shift and flows, finding (or found­ing) a passion-based community may be one of the most significant factors to staying oriented, rooted, and poised to grow.”

Or simply think of the Bette Midler song “You’ve Got to Have Friends”.   The problem is that those of us in alcoholic supporter recovery don’t always recognize friend from foe.   We may be too used to putting up with inappropriate and unsupportive behavior for far too long.  We need to reset our sensitivity barometers to allow for “mutual respect” because the dial has probably gone only one way for many years.

When I first wrote the headline for this article it had a typo and read “The Importance of God Company”, but maybe it wasn’t a mistake.  We learn to set boundaries and demand respect when we love ourselves, and sometimes it takes our higher power to help us get there.  Once you have started to practice self-compassion, consider the people who are worthy of your company.  Surround yourself with individuals who accept you for who you are, appreciate what you have to offer, encourage you to continue to learn and grow, want to celebrate your successes with you…and  for whom you feel the same way.   If the psychologists and writers referenced above are correct, then the positive momentum you achieve from this environment will certainly bring you more of the same.  And you will, in turn, be a positive influence in others’ lives, who will then want to spend more time with you. 

We may not be able to completely cut ourselves off from the negative influences in our lives; but if we desire to be on the road to good health, we can always add lots of good influences into our circle.  It’s all in the company you keep.

Supporters of alcoholics would not be surprised by the results of Zimbardo’s experiement.  We know that in certain circumstances, wonderful people can do terrible things.  Sometimes, this can include ourselves.  So if you are in an environment of fear, little respect and lots of anger, don’t be too surprised to find your own actions (and perhaps the actions of your kids) to be a little too reflective of the environment.  That doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps to explain it.  And with this awareness, you can do something about it.

• Be present in every moment, recognizing how you feel, when you are uncomfortable, and why;
• Learn what triggers those negative feelings;
• Consider what your own value systems are, and how you would normally react if you were in a healthier environment;
• Decide that you are going to own your own feelings, emotions and responses;
• Practice responding in ways truer to your own nature, and become less program simply to react to your environment;
• Where that isn’t possible, try to establish boundaries for the conditions that you are prepared to live with.

Zimbardo’s experiment didn’t provide the subjects with information on what they were feeling or how they could react.  But you have access to those skills and options.  Give yourself compassion for how you have dealt with situations in the past; you were doing the best you could in the circumstances.  Then with this insight into how situations can affect us and how we can actually decide to respond, try doing things differently and see if that makes you feel better about yourself and the skills you are demonstrating to the people around you, like your kids.  In a way, life is like an experiment.  We are allowed to try to do things differently, always learning and always seeking to create a better life for ourselves and those around us.

When my marriage fell apart and I was left in emotional pieces by my alcoholic ex-husband, my shaman encouraged me to find that compassion inside of me again; but she insisted that the first person I should shower with it was myself.  We’ve all heard that you can only love someone else when you truly love yourself.   Yet when our love has been rejected by the alcoholic in our lives, we feel unlovable.  That is simply not true, and overcoming the lie has to start from within ourselves.  I started to recover by giving myself compassion.  Whenever my inner voice put me down, or chastised me for my thoughts or behaviors, I slapped it down and sent love to myself.   

Once I had overcome the lie, I decided it was time to overcome the anger, so I practiced sending compassionate thoughts to my alcoholic.  I didn’t forget how he had treated me, but I felt for the hell he had been through, the thinness of his current life, and the challenges of the journey ahead of him.  I knew I would never love this man again, but I could feel compassion for his reality.  In doing so, it took away much of my anger for him, which quite frankly was only affecting me.  The loss of that anger made me feel lighter and even more lovable.

My shaman suggested that I use this power of compassion on all of the people that trigger me.  Luckily, there are not many people left in my life who cause me pain, but there are a few.  When people are mean, they are acting out their fear.   When I let that fear affect me, I allow it to enter into my own life, virtually giving away my power to that person.  Instead, I try to understand that their behaviors against me are occurring from their own fear.   This allows me to feel some compassion for their situation, which greatly lessons their ability to really hurt me.    They say that rape is not about the sex; it’s about the power.  A mean person is not trying to hurt you so much as they are attempting to transfer their own pain outside of their body and into someone else.  For whatever reason, they see you as a good target.  It could be because you happen to be in front of them when the fear hits them; or it could be that for some reason, you are a catalyst for their fear.   Regardless, by showing compassion instead of taking on their fear and pain, you will find release.    

It’s not easy to reach a point where you automatically feel compassion for people who are trying to cause you pain.  But if you start with yourself and move out into the world from there, you will find that compassion truly is a powerful healer.

If we could overcome this on our own, we would have done it by now.  This is not about your being weak, or incapable.  You are neither of those things.  This is about learning something that requires more knowledge, courage and patience than you have right now.  You need help.  Like most with a program, I decided to ask for the help of a higher power.  For some, this higher power can be nature, or their groups.  But for me, that higher power is God.  My God, however, is not necessarily a face in the clouds, but rather an energy that is all around us, and within each of us.  That’s why I often refer to my higher power in this blog as the Universe.  I would encourage you to consider who or what might serve as your own higher power and to substitute that name whenever I use “the Universe”. 

These first two steps might already feel a planet removed from your world, but I assure you the greatest success in recovery starts with this path.   Hey, no one said it would be easy.  As my Shaman reminds me, the spiritual journey is not for sissies.  But it is possible to achieve serenity, happiness and even joy in this lifetime, if you make the right choices from here on.   To heal, to learn and to grow takes patience and courage.  But they are well worth the investment.

For the first six months of this blog I have focused on practical, day-to-day living advice on how to survive.  Survival is important, but it is not our purpose.  Growth is our purpose, and growth only happens through change.  Life offers so many choices and most of the easy ones can ultimately be bad for us.  Sometimes it can help to have a guide: a loving and wise parent or friend, a spiritual leader, a mentor, etc.  These guides help to point out our bad habits, identify healthier choices, and support us if and as we choose to try to do things differently.

So if you are ready to move from survival to growth, then build your support system and keep reading.  The next step probably involves change and I will be referencing spirituality more frequently in future posts.  If this takes you a bit out of your comfort zone, fear not.  Recovery is not for sissies and at least initially, change is never easy.  But in time you will find yourself in the flow of life, where the highs aren’t as high and the lows aren’t as low.  You will recognize and learn lessons before they must become too painful just to get your attention.  And when you do experience pain or loss, you will recover from it much more quickly.

Right now, all you need is a desire to change, and a little faith.

But what if we aren’t supposed to be the ones that fix it?  I believe that we are given life and placed on this earth to learn.  Each of us has our own lessons to learn, and things to try to accomplish in this lifetime.  I also believe that the universe is very loving and will attempt to give us gentle lessons.  However, when we ignore those lessons, or choose not to learn, the lessons become more difficult and insistent.  Eventually, they become painful.  When we are repeatedly faced with the same types of behaviors and circumstances, it is a sign that we are not getting the lesson and life will likely only become tougher until we stop, consider what we are supposed to be learning, and adopt a different attitude or behavior.   If your alcoholic is still drinking and causing hell in your life, then perhaps you should be doing something differently?

As long as we are functioning for our alcoholics, they will never have to do it for themselves.  Trust me, I know from personal experience that the alternative to looking after your alcoholic may be disastrous.   They could burn something on the stove.  They could get into a car drunk.  They could lose their job by sleeping in yet again.  But an alcoholic will generally not recognize their problem and seek out treatment until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same.  When we make it easier for them to continue their way of life, we make it impossible for them to choose the difficult path of recovery.   By allowing them to make mistakes and then deal with the consequences, we are giving them room in which to heal.  And while it can be painful to watch someone go through misery in order to learn a lesson, it’s far worse to watch someone slowly kill themselves while bringing down all their loved ones around them. 

While you are letting them fail and face the consequences, you can still love them.  If they pass out on the floor, cover them with a blanket before you go to sleep in your bed.  If they get in trouble at work because they went in with a hangover, you can tell them how sorry you are that it happened and that you hope they are feeling better now.  If they throw up all over their clothes, put them into a pile ready for them to wash them once they feel better.  When they complain about how drinking is controlling their lives, tell them you love them and hate to see them hurting, and encourage them to find an AA meeting.

When I first heard the phrase “loving detachment” I thought it sounded quite negative.  But in time, I realized that “detachment” was really serving as the opposite of “controlling”.  And as I’ve previously suggested on this blog, control is not love.   But loving detachment is.