I met new people and old acquaintances. I was able to catch up with one of the latter at the tail end of the evening and asked how his home life was going. He’s married to an alcoholic and despite her severe ups and downs with the disease, he’s stuck by her like the true gentleman he was raised to be. But gentlemen aren’t necessarily happy.

He told me that there had been another crash and burn recently, although his wife insists she isn’t drinking. He suggested that what she might be going through is a dry drunk – which he understands to be a condition post drinking where alcoholics can develop the same physical symptoms of drunkenness, despite being dry.

I’m not sure where he’s getting his information from, but that’s not my understanding of a dry drunk. In my world, a dry drunk is someone who is not drinking, but still carries many of the isms of a dunk. While this may or may not have physical manifestations (I’d leave it with addictions doctors to determine that), it definitely includes certain behaviours common to active alcoholics.

For example, a dry drunk may continue to feel paranoia. They may be highly judgemental, impatient and short-tempered, ego-centric, self-centred, irrational in their logic and decision-making processes, or unable to make decisions, and they may continue to require immediate gratification.

It has been my experience, personally and through years of attending support groups and hearing from others, that this condition is particularly prevalent in the first year of recovery for an alcoholic and can persists beyond that – perhaps for years. Alternatively, alcoholics in recovery can revert to the dry drunk condition periodically throughout their lives. It can be brought on by triggers, such as stress, or simply be a manifestation of the reality that recovering alcoholics can have their good days and their bad days. No garden path is perfectly straight and no life’s journey is without its challenges.

That said, the toll on the supporter of the alcoholic can be enormous. I’ve frequently heard that living with someone in their first year of sobriety is far worse that living with their active alcoholism. Someone in the middle of alcoholic chaos would find that hard to believe, but it can be true that with alcoholism often come some silliness, gushy love, “honest” conversation, and strong feelings of involvement (interdependence) with your partner. The lack of alcohol, at least for a period of time, removes many of these things along with the drink, and we’re left only with the isms of alcoholism referenced above. To face these isms during that first year is tough; but to continue to face them for periods of time further out can be devastating to the partner.

How do we deal with them? I’ve only seen two successful ways. One is to leave. It’s not quite that simple. Leaving involves a long and careful process – usually with professional help of some kind – to ensure you know exactly what you want and need to do, that you are prepared to do it, and that you have all of the support you need to leave. So this isn’t a quick and easy answer, but I do want to put it on the table as an option.

The second is to embrace your support system or program and take the focus off of the alcoholic and place it onto yourself. It is possible to remain in an alcoholic relationship and find happiness in your own life. But it takes a lot of work to get there and I’ve never met anyone who could do it on their own. Very occasionally, a recovering alcoholic will find a pink cloud, which means they will immediately understand their disease and be able to overcome it without torturing those around them who love them. But that is extremely rare. Mostly, alcoholics get and stay in recovery slowly, painfully, and effecting those closest to them. That is why it is said the alcoholism is the family disease. It effects far more than the alcoholic, and you all need help and healing.

If I were around a dry drunk all of the time I’m not sure I would want to remain in that relationship. However whether this was permanent or temporary condition of someone I chose to be with, I would focus all of my energy on learning how to support and focus on myself during those periods. As for the dry drunk behaviour, remember the three C’s:

I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.

All I can do during these dry drunk periods is to take care of me. And I’m worth it.

It’s a particularly difficult for alcoholics because not only are they constantly tempted by the prevalence of alcohol everywhere they go; but it is also a happy, joyous season at a time when it might be difficult for the alcoholic to simply make it through each day. 

The pressure on the alcoholic supporter can also be considerable.  The holidays bring with them all sorts of extra tasks.  Planning, baking, decorating, shopping, hosting social events, perhaps making costumes and attending various performances with your kids…it’s a lot more work in a very busy life. 

If the alcoholic is able to help out, that’s wonderful.  If they aren’t, then it’s a lot of work for one person – especially if that work must be done in an environment where one of the adults is unstable and perhaps moody.  Getting through the workload is one thing; neutralizing a negatively charged environment is quite another.

I recall several Christmas mornings when I had to work so hard at keeping things cheery and light, I thought my smiling face would crack and fall off my skull.

You can’t change other people; but you can adjust your own behaviors to take care of yourself and your children.  Here are some suggestions for how to do this:

1. Set the ground rules: you might consider making your house a no drinking environment this year;

2. Speak with the alcoholic about the importance of ensuring the children have a good Christmas;

3. Discuss the workload and ask what the alcoholic can do to help out;

4. Ensure they know the intended schedule; don’t necessarily insist they participate in everything.  They might not be ready to do so, but they shouldn’t stand in the way of your own holiday season, either. 

Holiday time with an alcoholic might not be equal , but it can be mutually respectful if both parties put aside the pre-conceived ideas and decide simply to figure out what will work best for the family this year – however that might look.

Some of the best ways to improve our relationship with the alcoholic might feel a bit counter-intuitive.  For example, instead of trying to force them to see our point of view, we might want to go out of our way to hear theirs.  Try this: next time you’re in a heated conversation with the alcoholic where you are both expressing opposite points of view, say “perhaps you’re right”.

Why on earth would you want to do this?  Because the only action you can take to try to change the relationship for the better is to change your own attitudes and behaviors.  You can’t change the alcoholic – if you could, you wouldn’t be reading this blog.  Don’t feel badly; I couldn’t either.  And believe me, I tried.   But I did find that when I focused on modifying my own behavior, that’s when I would tend to see changes in him.

There are three good reasons to try this out:

1. They might be right.   We’ve developed survival tools that don’t always serve us well, and taking the position that we are always in the right is one of those bad tools.  The truth is, we aren’t always right and we don’t have all of the answers.  And although I appreciate that a good portion of what the alcoholic has said in the past may have been lies, it is also within the realm of possibility that they have an opinion worth hearing on a particular issue.  Give their idea a chance.  Let their voice be heard and honestly, thoughtfully, consider it.

2. It can change patterns.   In the pattern of your relationship, it is likely that the alcoholic doesn’t often feel heard or valued by you.  When you suddenly give value to what they have to say, they may be shocked out of some of their own behavior patterns.   In conflict resolution training I was taught : listen to understand so you can speak to be understood.  It is much easier to hear and consider someone else’s opinion when we know that they have really heard us first.  Make the effort to really hear and consider the other point of you, and in time you will find they the other party will be more willing to consider your views, in turn.

3. If you want respect, treat others with respect.  If the alcoholic burned their bridges with you, then why are you still attempting to forge a relationship with this person?  There must be something in it for you.  Perhaps you want to stay together for the sake of the kids.  Perhaps the alcoholic is your son and you don’t want to give up on him.  Maybe the alcoholic is your sister and she’s always had the tough breaks in life – but you still love her and you’d like to see her get a second chance.  Whatever your reason, if you’re still there you might as well be there working toward a positive outcome instead of a negative one. 

I’ve also come to realize that allowing someone to have a perspective doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with them.  It can simply mean you’ve heard them and you respect their feelings.  And if you want to have a relatonship with somebody, shouldn’t that be the starting point?