We had discovered a leaking water pipe in the ground outside of my house; a summer school program that my son was to attend had been cancelled; and my boss came into town to conduct my annual review, always a stressful occasion.  And while each situation had been resolved before we left for our trip, the stress they had created was sufficient to cause me to become physically ill.  Lingering headaches and neck pain kept me from fully enjoying what should have been an unbelievably relaxing trip.

This was all the more frustrating when I realized that there was no need to worry.  Even before we left for the trip, a friend of my boyfriend’s had been lined up to fix the water pipe, my son was registered for the summer program in an adjoining district, and I had received an excellent review.  But my body had to do something with all of the tension I had built up; thus, the headaches.

Why do we allow ourselves to take on stress to the point where it can hurt us?  Because in our experience, self-sacrifice and superhuman effort have allowed us to overcome almost any problem.  That’s how we enabled our families to continue to run despite the antics of our alcoholics.  Like the pilot who fights for control until the plane crashes into the ground – we are convinced that if we fuss about it enough and then take the right action, we can surely rescue ourselves and those we love. 

As so often happens, I landed in just the right place for the life lesson I needed.  The lodge in which we stayed was a small, thriving operation with people constantly coming and going, yet the couple who ran it remained amazingly calm throughout.  I asked the woman if she ever stressed out about anything.  She paused for a moment, and then told me that when her children were younger she did, but now, she didn’t really let things worry her anymore.

Their middle son is about to become a father, although not in ideal circumstances.  The child is the result of a one-night stand nine months earlier. The expectant parents are no longer romantically involved, but are determined to raise and love the child despite not being a couple.  My hostess admits to having initially been bothered by the situation, but at one point she simply let it go and started to enjoy the idea of becoming a grandmother for the first time. 

It struck me as an incredibly healthy attitude, and my hostess, a great role model for me.  Life has a way of sorting itself out, regardless of what we think.  The reality is that all of my worries were taken care of.  True, I had to do some of the work.  For example, when my son’s summer school program was cancelled, I was the one who arranged for him to go to another program.  As for the water leak, I had the good fortune to have a boyfriend who has a friend in the water pipe business who owed him a favour.  And as for my review, I had worked diligently and with integrity over the previous year, so my positive annual assessment was the direct result of my previous efforts.   In no instance did my worrying have a beneficial consequence; it only made me sick. 

Whenever the world hands me surprises, I picture my sponsor saying, “Maybe it was supposed to happen”.   I don’t always know the reason for the blips in my serene life, and the world is showing me that it’s not always up to me to fix them.  Indeed, they might not even be broken.   Our hosts are soon going to be the grandparents of a beautiful, healthy baby.  Is there a right or a wrong way for that to happen?  Who knows and quite frankly, who really cares?  It is what it is.  What’s left is to appreciate the joy in it all. 

This morning my boyfriend reminded me of the serenity prayer: God, grand me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  I admitted to being most focused on the last part of that prayer, but he suggested that perhaps I should let the first part of the prayer become my guide more often.  Maybe something in our lives is supposed to break.  Maybe we’re not supposed to fix it, and it will somehow be taken care of for us, with a much better resolution than we could have devised ourselves.   Perhaps us survivors of alcoholics should refocus on trusting the universe instead of trying to overcome it.  We might be pleasantly surprised to find how loved and cared for we really are, with barely any effort at all on our part other than letting go.

As a single mom with the financial weight of my family squarely on my shoulders, I can’t afford to make that kind of error.  But I’ve come to a place in my life where I refuse to get a gray hair worrying over something that I can’t fix.  I can’t go back in time and not buy the tickets.  I can’t go back four days and actually attend the event.  But I could easily spend the next two weeks beating myself up for the mistake.  And what would be the value in that?  I’ve been through enough pain and regret to last a lifetime.  Instead, I’ve learned to try to:

1. Accept that there is nothing I can do about it except decide how I’m going to feel about myself;
2. Give myself compassion.  I’m a very busy person, probably with far too much on my mind.  I’m not really surprised that I didn’t have the concert date “top of mind”;
3. Realize that in the big scheme of things, this was not a major error.  No one died or was physically harmed.  Life will go on;
4. Recognize what I do right.  I’m raising two wonderful sons while working full time and that is pretty darn good;
5. Learn from the mistake.  If I have too much on my mind to remember events like this, then I need a better support system.  I’ve now written all important events on our family calendar and I will check it each day.  A also should have invited someone  to go with me sooner, as they could have reminded me; and most importantly
6. Trust that this was for a reason.  I believe that everything in my life happens for a reason. Perhaps what I did instead of attending the concert was more important in some way.  Perhaps I would have been in a car accident if I had attended. Maybe I needed to suffer this loss to learn to better organize myself so that I wouldn’t forget something far more important down the road.  I need to trust that what happened in actually serving my highest good.  

Most of all, I need to love myself through the disappointing events in my life.  Allowing myself to feel badly about what I have done (or put up with, or not said) is not going to contribute positively to my life.  I don’t need to beat myself up to learn, and neither do you.  If we trust that whatever happens does so for a reason, we can let go of the regret, anger or pain and instead, focus on getting curious about what the lesson is.  The event, the person, the circumstances don’t really matter: it’s the life lesson that is important.

In alcoholic supporter recovery, we call that giving away your power.   The alcoholic is going to do what they do in their lives.  They may try hard to get and maintain sobriety, and they might lapse. They may cheat, lie, steal, drive on the neighbor’s lawn, call you names or forget their child’s birthday.  And you can either let these dramas affect your life, or you can learn not to give your power away.

Of all of the lessons I learned in living with an alcoholic, this was one of the most difficult.  Of course I would be affected if he lied to me or emotionally hurt one of my children!  How could I not be embarrassed if he chose to pee in the front garden?  And then one morning I realized that the kids and I were waiting until their father woke up in order to determine what kind of day it was going to be.  Would we be happy, or depressed, or walking on eggshells?   I realized how deeply I was allowing my life to be affected by the alcoholic.   

The truth is, I worry too much about what others think.  I judge myself in their eyes, and then berate myself for not living up to their expectations!   And I just knew that they were judging me for everything my husband did and said.  After all, we were married.  Didn’t that make us essentially only one valid person?!   Wasn’t I responsible for all of his words and actions? So I’d try to manage him, limiting his ability to do damage.  And when I failed, I felt to blame for any damage he did.   In fact, I got so caught up in obsessing about trying to control him and accepting the judgments – real and imagined – from the people around us, that I would get lost. My needs disappeared.   I completely lost my power to the alcoholic, and to the people around me.   

So with the help of my support system – my shaman, my sponsor, my sister and some close friends –  I slowly learned how to take back my power.  First, I recognized that there were two people in my marriage instead of one with two heads.  Next, I recognized that I wasn’t making the choices for his words and actions, he was.  And finally, I recognized that I could make my own choices and be my own person.   This emotional separation didn’t mean I had to hate him.  I could still practice loving detachment (referenced here in other blog posts).   But I could remain throughout as my own person.  I could maintain my power, regardless of his actions.

Today, I have long since divorced this man and he lives far away.  But I still find there are people in my life to whom I too easily give my power.  When I find myself unable to release myself from obsession with their real or imagined judgment, I give it to my higher power and ask for help in letting it go.  If I’m sincere in my asking, it usually works!

When you’re in emotional pain, it’s easy to move into catastrophic thinking.  I call it the “Eeyore Syndrome”: nobody likes me, my tail keeps falling and my house keeps falling down, woe is me.  It can be an odd comfort to sit in this personality, but it doesn’t take the pain away.   A healthier alternative is to shift your headspace by feeling gratitude.  You can get there by realizing that life could be worse in some way, and probably is for someone in the world.   So take a moment for a gratitude inventory.  Are you and your loved ones otherwise healthy?  Do you have a roof over your head?  Is there someone who loves you?  Is there someone you love? 

Some of us find it difficult to see the good in our lives when there is a single source (such as an alcoholic) that is causing so much of our pain.  But in a way, that should make this task easier.  Isolate and remove that person from your thoughts for a moment, and think of your world apart from them.   There is probably a lot that is going right for you.   Are your kids healthy?  Do you have a job?  In my darkest hours, my sponsor taught me to find gratitude for the simplest of pleasures.  I like bubble baths, so she encouraged me to have one every night and express gratitude in my heart for my ability, at the very least, to have that experience once a day. 

When life is difficult, I find routines help me to stay focused on doing what is best for me. So I try to spend a little time each evening before I go to sleep, and each morning when I wake up, in quiet meditation and prayer.  I usually start by expressing gratitude for various events in my life.  I find this positive, grateful attitude puts me in a good mood.  It allows me to end and begin my day with a positive feeling about my life, and the recognition that I appreciate it, and want it to continue.   If you believe in the power attraction, then you could say that I am sending out positive energy to encourage more of the same to come into my life. 

This is the time for both high emotions and resolutions.  Consider making an attitude of gratitude a part of your daily life and watch how your emotional mood will lift – subtly or dramatically – throughout the holidays and into the New Year.

1. Work on your own truth/lie radar:  People give off subtle physical clues when they are lying.  Our ability to read these clues is usually quite strong – you’ve simply allowed those skills to slacken.   Watch body language, listen for intonation, and see how the individual speaking interacts with those around him.  Also, consider the content.  Is it logical?  Does the statement seem in character for the person saying it?  Is it simple or overly complicated?  And finally, what does your gut tell you? Like mothers’ intuition, a gut feeling is often right.  

2. Test it out: try to trust someone, but use situations that are not that critical to you.  This probably means you shouldn’t start with your alcoholic.  Try it in a conversation with a salesperson, co-worker or acquaintance.

3. Communicate clearly: trust requires great communication, and if it isn’t there it might unwittingly be your fault.  Be honest, forthright, and clear with people. 

4. Be empathic: rather than jumping to conclusions that they might be lying or otherwise telling you an untruth, give them the benefit of the doubt and listen sincerely to what they have to say.  Ask for clarity if need be, rather than jumping to assumptions about a possible breach in trust.   

5. Look at the content: don’t just look at the person or hear what they have to say.  Consider their comments within the context of their situation.  What might at first sound like a lie to you may simply be their honest perspective from where they are standing.

6.  Keep the information flowing: trust isn’t a conclusion or a declaration – it’s ongoing.  Generally, the greater the exchange of information, the more we are open to trusting each other. 

7. Have a back door: if you find that the conversation is deteriorating, and you feel it’s either becoming unsafe or you’re just not comfortable with growing feelings o f distrust, then have a plan for shutting the conversation down and retreating to somewhere more comfortable.  This can include a physical move as well as a content move.  For example, provide a friend with a cue that tells them to walk over to you and help you leave the conversation; or have a phrase in mind for neutralizing the conversation so you can leave it without being forced into a decision where you might lose ground (for example, “well, that’s an interesting idea.  It’s really given me something to think about. Thank you”.)

Until you trust yourself, it will be difficult to trust another human being. 

To gain back trust in yourself, consider following these five steps:

1. Have self-compassion.  Your condition isn’t a reflection of your strength or intelligence; it’s the logical outcome of someone’s conscious or subconscious effort to bring you to this point.  And chances are high that you were so busy taking care of the people around you, including the alcoholic, that you didn’t have the time or energy to see this coming. 

2. Recognize that you aren’t alone.  There are millions of people out there who feel the same way, or have felt that way at one point in their lives. 

3. Believe that you are worth trusting in again.  Many people find help in turning to prayer, asking their higher power to give them the courage to make this step, or to get a sense of being loved and cared about, so they feel worthy of trusting themselves.  You are loved, and you are worthy. 

4. Test the waters.  Start small, and with less significant issues.  Take the time to think about an issue, or a decision.  Look at the various angles and decide how to proceed.  Then stick with your plan. 

5. Take the time to reflect back and congratulate yourself.  That which gets rewarded gets done.  So take a few moments at some point after you’ve made and implemented your decision to critique the outcome.  Did things go more or less as you had planned?   If the answer is yes, then give yourself a mental pat on the back and recognize that your trust in yourself was worthwhile.  If it didn’t work out as well as you had hoped, then consider where you might have misjudged and next time, try to overcome that challenge. 

To turn these smaller instances of self-trust into regular occurrences, make sure you stay in close contact with your feelings before, during and after a decision.  If you are being manipulated and forced into a decision or action, your gut will tell you that something is not right.  Ask yourself questions: what am I really being asked to do/what do I really want to do?  Does the end result and the plan for getting there work with my own personal value systems.  Will I feel good about myself when I complete this task or make this decision?  Does this serve my highest purpose, or does it only serve someone else’s agenda?

And finally, observe others around you who have similarly lost trust in themselves, and show compassion for them.  I’ve noticed our personalities are such that caring about and nurturing others is the first step toward doing so for ourselves.   By realizing that others are worthy of compassion, you will be on the road to seeing that you are also worthy of trusting yourself again.   Next post will focus on how to rebuild trust in others.

Trust is one the strongest characteristics of a human being.  When we are born, our very survival depends on trust in others for food, warmth and comfort.   As we grow, we slowly learn to become more self-reliant; but despite our ever- increasing capabilities, we never let go of the human desire to trust another living soul.  It is innate, and powerful.  That is why a loss of trust – especially within a close relationship – is so devastating. 

Alcoholics tend to do a very good job of losing the trust of those around them.  They lie, cheat, steal, promise they’ll do better next time and then repeat the pattern.  In time, those close to the alcoholic may discover that they can’t entirely trust themselves.   Our radar is off.   We retain so much hope, we’re willing to believe almost anything.  Or we’ve been let down so often, we believe nothing. 

As a result of this constant questioning and confusion, we don’t always know how to react properly.  We’re not really sure who our friends are.  We’re not certain when we are being lied to.  We’re worried about our latest haircut, what we’re wearing, how we’re doing in our job, and what we’ve chosen for dinner.  We can reach a point where we start to second guess ourselves about everything.   

If you ever feel this way, there’s a good reason for it.  You’ve slowly been programmed.  The alcoholic maintains control in chaos by manipulating those closest to them until these normally confident and competent people no longer know which way is up.

But until we heal, we are destined to repeat the same type of relationship over and over again.   So part of our own road to recovery is to learn to regain that trust: first in ourselves, then in other people and finally – if they have earned it – in the alcoholic. 

You’ll notice that it all starts with you.  Our feelings for others are closely connected with our feelings for ourselves.   We’ve often heard that to love someone else you have to love yourself first.   Trust is no different: we have to start by learning how to trust ourselves again.  It’s not as hard or as scary as you might think.  In my next post I’ll suggest some steps you can take to move toward trust in yourself.

We change when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing.  Hopefully, over time, we learn to heed universal warning faster and we correct our attitudes and behaviours before we fall head over heels in hell again.  Think of it like swerving to avoid a car crash.  Do you really need to get hit in order to learn to keep your eyes on the road? 

Life will test us, once we’ve learned a lesson.  It will give us the same challenge again, perhaps in a slightly different form, just to see if we really mean it – this recovery business. 

After a while, you’ll get the hang of it. When life hands you a challenge, I’ve found it’s helpful to become curious.  Why is this happening to me?  What am I supposed to be learning from it?  What change in attitude or behavior am I supposed to be practicing? 

These questions will remind you that everything in life happens for a reason, and that your job is to determine what you need to change in order to move away from pain and toward serenity. 

I experienced just such an event recently.  With my alcoholic, I never learned to speak out, to stand up for myself.  He had me so concern about his needs, I never put mine forward.  Now out of that relationship, I found myself in another one where I needed to speak up for myself.  It wasn’t an easy thing to do: I’ve advocated for so many people in my life but for some reason, I’m not very good at advocating for myself.  So I spoke up…not well, perhaps, but I did it.  Will I get what I asked for?  Maybe, maybe not.  The importance of the event had nothing to do with content and everything to do with the lesson and my own journey. 

But this wasn’t like before.  When faced with the choice of repeating old behaviours or facing my fears and starting to learn a new skill, I chose change.  I never want to relive the misery, and it’s been my experience so far that when I embrace life’s lessons, the rewards are sweet.

We’ve all been there.  In the midst of survival mode, the dial on emotions seems best kept in the “off” position.  When I was in crisis I rarely gave myself permission to feel my feelings for fear that I might explode.  So I only gave in to them when the fear and pain were overwhelming, and then only when I was alone.  I would give myself ten minutes to let it all out, then I’d try to “get control” of myself again.

A healthy person feels their feelings and expresses them in healthy ways.  You might want to repeat this to yourself every day for a month, because most people close to an alcoholic don’t really believe this.  We believe that the pressures of normal people shouldn’t affect because we have more on our shoulders, and we can take it. 

Between being strong, and working so hard at deciphering the feelings of our alcoholic, many of us lost touch with our own feelings. When I first realized this, my sponsor suggested that every time I felt a strong feeling, I should recognize it by saying it out loud (or at least in my head).  I’m bored.  I’m tired.  I’m frustrated.  I’m scared.  I’m angry. I’m in pain.  I’m overwhelmed.  I know how hard it is to admit some of those emotions to yourself when you’re supposed to be the strong one, but they are honest and they are yours.  Speaking them out loud doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable.   Our strength doesn’t come from pretending we aren’t human.  It comes from appreciating and being who we really are. 

Aren’t you tired of pretending that everything is OK,  that your feelings are second to those of everyone else around you?   Let go, let it all go, in favour of being human.  Whatever new life you build for yourself should be on the powerful foundation of the real you, feelings and all.

• We’re comfortable where we are…better the devil you know.  Even if we’re in pain, it’s a pain we’re used to;
• We think that any minute now, a miracle might happen and suddenly, my life will be much better;
• We fear that change might make things worse.  And this is bad enough;
• Changing just takes too much energy: to plan, to implement.  Who has the time?  And  there are no guarantees that change would make things better;
• What if I try to change, and I fail?  I’m already feeling down enough about myself.   And what if my failure has some really serious consequences…

The concept of consequences is an interesting one, because there are consequences of not changing as well:

• The pain will just continue – it may never go away or get better;
• Life may decline further – in fact, if I’m close to an alcoholic it probably will because this is a progressive disease;
• Prolonged exposure to pain and unhappiness can have significant consequences to our body, as well as to our mind and our soul;
• We might fall into our situation so deeply, and for so long, that there’s no way out;
• We make take those around us – like our children – right down with us.

So with all of those consequences, why is it that some people stay exactly where they are and some people bite the bullet and change?

We change when we believe that the pain of not changing will be greater than the pain of changing.

This means that we will only take that step if we believe life is better on the other side of change, and we are convinced that life will be worse for us (or those close to us) if we don’t change.  How do we know?  We don’t.  Change usually happens when the pain of the moment is so enormous and unbearable that anywhere is better than here.

What if we didn’t have to wait that long, or allow it to get that bad.  What if we could program ourselves to be in touch with our feelings all of the time, so we knew when we were being wronged, could see the pain coming, and could make decisions that allowed us to make changes before that pain hit us.  Alternatively, what if we could perceive a brighter future and decide to make changes based on a positive outcome – like running toward something wonderful, as opposed to running away from something horrible.

Why do we change?  We change to go to less pain, but with practice and determination, we can learn to change simply to go to a better place.   We don’t always need to wait for this to become a painful lesson.  We really don’t.