Consider the possibility that the individual spouting out negativity isn’t really speaking to you.   Listen to what they are saying:

- “Why can’t you ever trust me?  You never trust anyone.”
- “You just don’t love me enough.”
- “You’re not a nice person.”

I remember my ex-husband berating me for being a bad parent, suggesting I just wasn’t a nurturing person.  I carried that around for several years until I finally shared it with a friend. They were flabbergasted, assuring me that I should win a medal for my parenting skills.  He suggested that instead, I consider my ex’s parenting skills, which were almost non-existent.  When I looked at the situation more objectively, I could see my friend was right.  These negative comments weren’t reflective of me; they were reflective of my ex.    

Think about it the next time they accuse you of anything.  Sometimes, the accusation might have an element of truth to it.  But just as often, if not more, the accusations of an alcoholic may be more representative of what I call a “mirror moment”; when the accuser is simply addressing the wrong person and should really be speaking into a mirror.

Why do they do this?  Because deep down, we all have a desperate need to acknowledge our weaknesses.  Some of us, however, don’t yet have the honesty or personal fortitude to attribute those weaknesses to ourselves.  So we pick on the person closest to us because they are the safest.  When my children were young and at daycare or with a nanny, I would be told at the end of the day how well my kids had behaved.  Yet within five minutes of our being home together, they would shower me with a release of the frustrations they had built up over the day.  They did this because they knew I loved them unconditionally and I was a safe person to do this with.

That’s understandable and even acceptable in children.  It’s not acceptable to serve repeatedly as the emotional punching bag of an adult, however.  As you continue to read this blog you learn of ways to deal with this behavior more fully, but for now, just remember it’s a mirror moment.  It will help to realize that this is not about you.  You don’t need to take it on.  You don’t need to believe it.  And you know that whatever the person in front of you is saying, they are hearing it too. Eventually, if they continue with their own program, they will learn who they really need to talk to.